"What's Going On?"

It's been a while since I posted here and for distracting reasons. By the way, I got my fraudulent charge reversed on Diners...after the appropriate paperwork notarized. This time it was faster. I guess it helps when you can claim a charge on the same day of the fraud from a different location. I still refuse to open anymore store credit cards and purchase anything online.

Becky G has written a premonition dream about me and my mother a while back. It has predicted an emotional wound that I don't think I have gotten over yet. It was just in time before I met up with my long lost cousin of 30 years, Tom. I have been haunted (not by ghosts) by my chronic dysfunctional family situation called my mother; really both my adoptive parents. The complexity is that not only did I choose to be born in this life, I truly didn't choose to be in the family dynamics - add the identity crisis to boot and call it adoptee issues. At least I am not bullistic like Cho Seing-Ho at V-Tech. I am responsible to know that I do not want children to ingrain this same dysnfunction that I was brought up with.

My parents both are very superficial because it is difficult for them to expose any sense or signal of failure as humans. As a result, they do not communicate nor are they compassionate of others around them including their children. My siblings of this family are all chemically dependent on something and they have not been in touch with my parents for years, so my parents say. If I try to talk about anything with human and emotional depth, they clearly cannot function. I know these are the only parents I have but they are not peeps that I would want to be with for a long period of time. We don't have anything in common nor on the same intelligence level. I can tell that they don't want to talk to me if I start talking about business or my career. They don't understand what I do since I was a bedside nurse.

I long for family communications such as "what is going on" with other family members. I have a hard time getting that information from my parents that don't want to talk about 'sensitive' family issues. When I called my mother to talk about cousin Tom, she had a difficult time to talk about that side of the family. I had to pull information out of her. There is some anomosity between our fathers that was waaaay before our time. I think my mother seems to perpetuate the situation for some historical reason. I am not sure why this has to do with us cousins but it has affected the frequency of keeping in touch with each other. Her reason is that "they didn't talk to you whenever we went over to their house...". I think they didn't talk to her for some reason but it's easier to put it on others to avoid any signal of social failure. Her ultimate message was "don't tell your father you are in touch with that side of the family..." however she thanked me for telling her of this reunion. It's as though she was privi to such secretive information. Her secrets seem to be power over others. I work with some people that don't share their knowledge and expertise so this reminds me of those people.

I suppose when I ask people "what's going on", it's because I really want to be included in the scene to feel as though I am part of their lives. It's not that much to ask for.