"What's Going On?"

It's been a while since I posted here and for distracting reasons. By the way, I got my fraudulent charge reversed on Diners...after the appropriate paperwork notarized. This time it was faster. I guess it helps when you can claim a charge on the same day of the fraud from a different location. I still refuse to open anymore store credit cards and purchase anything online.

Becky G has written a premonition dream about me and my mother a while back. It has predicted an emotional wound that I don't think I have gotten over yet. It was just in time before I met up with my long lost cousin of 30 years, Tom. I have been haunted (not by ghosts) by my chronic dysfunctional family situation called my mother; really both my adoptive parents. The complexity is that not only did I choose to be born in this life, I truly didn't choose to be in the family dynamics - add the identity crisis to boot and call it adoptee issues. At least I am not bullistic like Cho Seing-Ho at V-Tech. I am responsible to know that I do not want children to ingrain this same dysnfunction that I was brought up with.

My parents both are very superficial because it is difficult for them to expose any sense or signal of failure as humans. As a result, they do not communicate nor are they compassionate of others around them including their children. My siblings of this family are all chemically dependent on something and they have not been in touch with my parents for years, so my parents say. If I try to talk about anything with human and emotional depth, they clearly cannot function. I know these are the only parents I have but they are not peeps that I would want to be with for a long period of time. We don't have anything in common nor on the same intelligence level. I can tell that they don't want to talk to me if I start talking about business or my career. They don't understand what I do since I was a bedside nurse.

I long for family communications such as "what is going on" with other family members. I have a hard time getting that information from my parents that don't want to talk about 'sensitive' family issues. When I called my mother to talk about cousin Tom, she had a difficult time to talk about that side of the family. I had to pull information out of her. There is some anomosity between our fathers that was waaaay before our time. I think my mother seems to perpetuate the situation for some historical reason. I am not sure why this has to do with us cousins but it has affected the frequency of keeping in touch with each other. Her reason is that "they didn't talk to you whenever we went over to their house...". I think they didn't talk to her for some reason but it's easier to put it on others to avoid any signal of social failure. Her ultimate message was "don't tell your father you are in touch with that side of the family..." however she thanked me for telling her of this reunion. It's as though she was privi to such secretive information. Her secrets seem to be power over others. I work with some people that don't share their knowledge and expertise so this reminds me of those people.

I suppose when I ask people "what's going on", it's because I really want to be included in the scene to feel as though I am part of their lives. It's not that much to ask for.

My Reward for Having Execellent Credit

Yup, the thieves did it again to me!

Tonight I took a look at my online Diners Club credit account (my work credit card) and noticed that someone had a party with my card; limo service of $319.46 on March 17 in New Jersey!! The same day I have a transaction at Landmark 78, a local Ventura restaraunt. How can I be on two coasts at the same time?

Diners wants me to sign a fraudulent form that they will send me and want me to notarize it. Another snag, how can I find time to notarize this shit when I am traveling for a living using this credit card? Spoke to the manager and she said that a signature and date will suffice since I travel as much. She had to say that since this is a coroporate card.

4-5 years ago, someone got a hold of my SS# and opened up credit accts, taking cash advances ruining my credit. A bank in Atlanta called me to verify who I really was and realized that I live in CA, not Georgia. Fraudulent charges ~ $2000 had to be removed from one account, ~ $500 more for another acct that was opened up in my name at that time.

2 years ago, someone got a hold of one my personal credit accounts and charged up a storm in England. Ironic that I went to live in England for work thereafter as I was working on getting those fraudulent charges off of my account.

Needless to say, I no longer give out my SSN or open any more credit cards. No more online business transactions; only online fund transfers directly paying off the credit billing. Now I have to go back to the damn paper writing checks to pay these off, dammit!! NO MORE EBAY OR PAYPAL. Meanwhile I am still getting paypal fraudulent access messages in my email when these accounts are closed. WTF?

This is such an invasion of my privacy. Why the hell can't people just fucking leave me alone? Get a job! This is what I get for being a good citizen and following the rules and living the American dream?

Tremendous Loss to Standup Comedy

Saturday, March 10 a man who makes people laugh seemed to have taken his own life at his residence in W. Hollywood. I saw him a couple times live and he is a very clever comedian with real-life situatons; didn't swear profusely which the reason why I liked him. I also used to work at the hospital they took him to. Small world now that I have been in it long enough. I will miss Richard Jeni, my best friend was in tears when I told her about the news on her voice message Sunday. She was the one that turned me on to him in the first place.

What was he doing with a gun? Sometimes the fame and success is too much for one. I like to keep a low profile myself as you can see why.

30 Year Reunion

After an exhausting week of working night shift and calling cousin Tom twice in Chicago O'Hare, here is the photo that says it all! What a reunion! See the family resemblance?

Fortunate Life

With all of my rantings in my previous postings, I have to admit that I am very fortunate in my life thus far. Yes, I am alone but the simplicity has helped me survive and sheltered me from the harsh parts of mankind :)

Last week, I received a snail-mail letter from a man who was taking a shot in the dark hoping that I was his long lost cousin. His name is Tom and with the same last name as our fathers are brothers. He wrote that he found pictures of me when we were young from a person who recently died in the family. I called his mobile number and sure enough, it was Tom and he successfully found me! He said he found me on the website from all of the Korean adoptee information, birth search, etc. Since I am listed in the phone book, he found my mailing address. We caught up with each others' families after no contact for 30 years; thanks to our Italian family dysfunctional dynamics! Needless to say, this was quite an emotional and shocking moment to speak with someone that I haven't seen that length of time. We will be reuniting at Chicago O'Hare airport later this week...pictures to follow.

This makes my irritants in life so meaningless when things like this happen. There are only so much we have in control of our lives; other things happen for the reasons that they do. I can't wait to contact my parents after this reunion!

Thank you George W!

Nothing like living in the material age discrimination world! I am a licensed RN in two states and keep them both active with critical care experience and here is what I found on a job board. So much for serving for "my country".

"Medical-Surgical Nurse
Company: California Army National Guard-Officer

Requirements

Must be a graduate of an accredited nursing program and hold a current State license to practice nursing.

Must be 42 years old or younger (50 years old or younger with 10+ years of prior military service)

Must be a U.S. Citizen

Must be able to pass a physical exam and meet legal and moral standards"

Out of my League

At the eve of St. Valentine's Day, I always feel as though I am not meant to be in this stratesphere; out of my league.

This past weekend I sat in on a seance for a man that died ~6 years ago; his widowed wife is having difficulty letting go of him. Listening to her life with him and with her family as she made lasagna and canoles for us reminded me of how alone I am. The sensitivity of my surroundings are as such; 1) I am not good at supporting other peoples' grief and loss as much as I want to if I haven't experienced the same level of intimacy in another, 2) A sense of my deep depression and anger surfaces for not having such fortune in my life before or now, 3) Watching other couples feed each other in restaurants just exacerbates the above items mentioned. All three of these items makes me wish I had the fortune or benefit that others have so far in their lives. I must be out of my league!

I feel more comfortable when we are ghost hunting; dusting for ghosts but uncomfortable in the true living beings especially in a large group at one time. The sense of inadequacy keeps rearing its ugly head - inadequate to relate with others about life and relationships with their loved ones. "Don't you want to have children?" ---eeeewwwww! This must be why I relate to the paranormal - they are also suspended in their stratesphere. Now, back to my coping - drowning myself in the therapy of knitting multiple projects simultaneously and hang out with my knitting sisters.